1. Entering a bar, a man chooses a stool and sits down. The bartender comes over and says :
- What'll it be, buddy?
The man replies :
- Set me up with five whisky shots, and make 'em doubles!"
The bartender does as he asks. He watches as the man tosses one back, then the next, then the next, until all five shots are gone as quickly as they were served.
Startled, and thinking there must be a serious problem with this man, the bartender asks him what was wrong.
- You'd be drinking 'em that fast too if you had what I have." The man said.
Nervously, the bartender asks "What do you have, pal?"
- About 50 cents."
2. "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him at the bar.
- How do you know?" the friend asked.
- She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
- So?"
- So she's a liar! I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"
3. Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
Two American men and one American woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
One month later on these stunning islands, the following things have occurred:
* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-a-trois.
* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
* The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
* The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
* The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
* The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't
having any fun.
4. This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very
much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."
- Where are you going Coochy Cooh...?" asked the wife.
- I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is :
- Yes, Honey Pie...but the bar you know...the frozen glass..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying,"You want a frozen glass Puppy Face?" She takes a mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
- You want hors d'oeuvres Pookie Pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
- But Sweetie, Honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that. .."
- You want dirty words Cutie Pie?..HERE, DRINK YOUR F*****G BEER IN YOUR
FROZEN F*****G MUG AND EAT YOUR F*****G SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT A*****E?!!"
5. Medicine for stress relief
An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said, "That's nothing! In Germany we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor said, "In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said, "You guys are always behind. In my country we have just taken an idiot out of Texas and put him in the White House and now half the country is looking for work!!!."
6. The lineup
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
- That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
- I don't like her."
7. George W. Bush was thrilled at finally being able to spend his first night in the White House, but something very strange happened.
On the very first night, he was awakened by George Washington's ghost. Bush asked the ghost :
- President Washington, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
- Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised Washington.
With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still couldn't sleep well, and then, later on that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.
- Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.
- Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government," Jefferson answered.
Bush still couldn't sleep well, so much later, on the same night he saw another ghostly figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.
- Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.
Lincoln replied :
- Go see a play."
BLAGUES / JOKES
|